Jeff: My Christmas Wish List

Well I can already tell you that Santa granted my biggest wish last night: an end to the Vikings season. With a loss that was as easy on the eyes as Brad Childress in a speedo, the Vikings are finally mathematically eliminated from the NFC playoff race, and we'll only have to endure one more regular season game. Is it possible that the Vikings can have a stifling offense as well as defense? When you have negative net yards offense in the first half, well, you don't deserve to be in the playoffs no matter how bad your conference is. So since my biggest Christmas has been answered, being the kind-hearted guy I am, here's what I hope Santa leaves under the tree for others:

Brad Childress: a new offensive scheme for 2007 that involves scoring points, converting 3rd downs, and completing passes more than 5 yards downfield. I also hope it involves this discipline he speaks of, since the Vikes had another 10 penalities last night and continue to lead the league in that category.
Tavaris Jackson: some receivers that can actually catch.
Brett Favre: a speedy decision on whether he's coming back or not. This has no chance of happening since I'm sure Santa has a man-crush on him too, and just loves how much "fun" Brett has out there. "Look at him! Look at how much fun he's having! Look at the terrible throw! Look at that interception! He's just having so much dog-on fun out there! He just loves football! And I love Brett!!" Sorry, broke out into Favre-arian there. So yes we can expect him to drag the thing out all winter, spring, and summer to receive massive amounts of media adoration that he claims he doesn't care about, and then announce he's coming back. There are now officially two seasons in Packerland: football season and "Is Favre coming back?!?!?" season.
Packer Fans: A case of old mil and a vat of nacho cheese to get them through the roller coaster ride of the "Is Favre coming back?!?" season.
LaDanian Tomlinson: A Super Bowl, or at least a chance to play for one. I don't want to see a guy this good have a Barry Sanders-like career.
Terrell Owens: to lead the league in dropped passes and not even be the best receiver on his own team so that he won't be able to talk about how great he is. What's that? He DID lead the league in drops? And Terry Glenn's a better receiver? And he's STILL mentioned at least 700 times a night on Sportscenter?
Timberwolves Owner Glen Taylor: get the dirty pictures or incriminating evidence of himself back from Kevin McHale so he can fire the Big Ostrich, and get a guy to run the Wolves that actually knows what he's doing. And somebody who doesn't mind putting in a 40 hour work week. Of course he'd actually have to be able to find McHale to fire him. McHale sees his office at Target Center about as often as Rueben Studdard sees his feet.
Kevin McHale: Since killing someone is still considered morally wrong, even if they've caused as much pain and anguish over the last decade as McHale has for Wolves fans, then I won't wish for that. Just a new non-basketball related job for McHale in 2007, like GM of the Minnesota Lynx.
Isiah Thomas: 10 more years running the Knicks. Please.
Francisco Liriano: a healthy left elbow.
Joe Mauer: for rudolf and the other reindeer to pin him down while Santa shaves off those $^%&*ing sideburns!!! Joe it's 2006! You're one of the best players in baseball and you look like an idiot! Sideburns went out with Dylan McKay in like 1996!
Joel Maturi: a letter of resignation.
Glen Mason: ditto.
Rick Majerus: job as new basketball coach at the U.
Lou Nanne: to take Maturi's spot as AD (seriously have you heard that guy lately on Barriero's show talking about the Gopher hoops coaching search? Who knew hockey players knew about other things besides hockey?!? Put Louie in charge! The man will get things done!).

My final wish is for you and yours to have a very Merry Christmas!