Welcome to "I Have No F&*%ing Idea" Week

It's week 2 in the NFL, and never in my 20 some years of watching football can I remember a week with so many questions about so many teams, and the answer to so many being: "I have no f&%*ing idea!" It's a good thing gambling isn't legal, because if it were, there'd be a LOT of money lost this weekend. You'd be just as likely to win by putting your picks sheet on a dart board and throwing darts over your shoulder to get the results as you would be by actually picking the games. About the only way we're going to get all of these questions answered is by watching the games, but don't you get the feeling this is like a season of Lost, where they answer a few of the questions every week, then give you like 10 more?

Green Bay (-6) at Detwah
Which are there more of in Detroit: car fires or Lions fans? And are the two things related in any way?
The Pack made a statement on Monday night than in the most wide open of wide open seasons, they're going to be a factor. With the injury to Marques Colston in New Orleans, the door just opened for Green Bay to get home field. Did I see "Ewing Theory" potential in this team? Indeed I did. But like picking the Vikes to NOT make the playoffs without mentioning the suspension to Bryant McKinnie (Kris, for the record, McKinnie IS overrated and overpaid, but he's a helluva lot better than Artis Hicks or something called Chase Johnson), I picked the Pack to have a big year without realizing another key point: the Favre Saga not only motivated the team, but it was the best possible thing for Aaron Rodgers. And my girlfriend, who is a huge Pack fan, was the one to point this out.

If Favre would have just stayed retired, there would have been tons of pressure from Cheeseheads on Aaron Rodgers to be The Next Brett Favre. But thanks to Brett just gun slingin' his way through a retirement decision, the Cheeseheads now love Rodgers, embrace him, and support him more than ever before. It went from a "I'd have Brett Favre's children- prove to me why I should have yours" to "I'd have Brett Favre's children but I'd pretend to be angry about it but now I'd definitely have yours too even though you're not as good looking or don't wear Wranglers". Somehow they like Rodgers better now, at least that's what they're telling themselves.

Oakland at Kansas City (-3.5)
Who would be stupid enough to pick the Raiders as a sleeper?
Ok so here's the one question we DO have an answer to, and that idiot is me. Next time I try to pick the most disfunctional franchise in football to be a breakout team, slap me. Twice. Three times even. Enough until I realize how foolish the idea was. Then slap me again for wasting your time. Thanks. By the way, we might have found the first sporting event that I would rather watch the WNBA instead of...ok no, I'd still rather watch this than the WNBA, but this one really made me think about it.

St Louis at NY Giants (-9)
How are the Giants only favored by 9 points?
Honestly, how? Did Vegas not watch the Rams get torched by the Eagles last week? Do they not know Scott Linehan is their coach? Maybe a better question is will Linehan survive until Thanksgiving?

Indianapolis (+2) at Minnesota
Do you believe the Colts are a good team?
Some folks would ask this question of both teams, but we already know the Vikes are in trouble, and I believe are in danger of starting 1-4 (they host Carolina next week- who will have Steve Smith back, then travel to Tennessee and New Orleans. Good luck with that). But the Colts? Sure Manning didn't play at all in the preseason, and they lost some o-linemen to injury and we have no idea if Marvin Harrison has plunged off the "he's done" cliff, but to lose by 16 to the freaking Bears AT HOME?!?!? It defies explanation. The Vikes are a simliar team to Chicago (horrible QB, no receivers, strong running game, strong run D), so perhaps the outcome will be the same, but there's just no way Indy lays an egg two weeks in a row. Which is probably why they will, but again, what's the catch phrase for the day? You got it- I have no %*^&ing idea! And neither does anybody else.

Tennessee (-1) at Cincinnati
Are either of these teams any good?
The Teetahns have all the looks of the Bears/Ravens model of strong running game and ridiculously good defense, but what about their QB? I think Kerry Collins is an upgrade, but we won't know it until Sunday. And the Bungles? Is Carson Palmer a shell of his former self? Will all of Chad Johnson's shenanigans motivate him or the rest of his team? Do they have a defense? Is Marvin Lewis' house on the market?

New Orleans (-3) at Washington
Will the Saints still pile up the points without Colston? Can Reggie Bush have two good games in a row? Will Jason Campbell ever figure it out? Remember Lavar Arrington? How did he never make it? Why do the Skinnies always wear white at home?

Chicago at Carolina (even)
Hahaha seriously the biggest "I have no %*^&ing idea!" is when Vegas says "pick 'em." If people who get paid to have a clue don't have a clue, then how can anybody else? The Bears and Colts were the two biggest of surprises and now the two biggest question marks heading into week 2. Was the Sunday nighter an abberition or a true indicator of what both teams will do? It just seems unfathomable that any team with Kyle Orton at QB and whose two "leading" receivers last week each had 2 catches- And both were tight ends!!!!- is 16 points better than the Colts on the road. Carolina is another one of those teams that just have so many questions I don't even know where to start. Insert catch phrase of the day.

Buffalo at Jacksonville (even)
see previous paragraph

San Diego at Denver (even)
ditto

Atlanta (+3) at Tampa Bay
Of course you'd take the points against Brian Griese, right? RIGHT?
Usually, until you remember the Falcons are starting a rookie QB. And also that it's the Falcons. You're on your own here.

New England (+1) at New York Bretts
Which team is more overhyped? Has there been a more overhyped and overrated "rivalry" than this one?
Not to rain on the parade of all of those fighting for spots on the Jets bandwagon, but just thought I'd point out that to beat Miami last week the Jets needed a hail-mary-throw-it-up-for-grabs-just-wingin-it-gunslingin-having-fun-i-love-football-TD pass from everyone's favorite Wrangler wearin' QB AND a last minute defensive stand to keep Chad Pennington's wounded ducks out of the endzone. Just sayin'. As for the Patriots, well, if you're anything like me you've heard way, way, way, WAY too much about them so I'll spare you, but let's just say they've got a few questions of their own to answer this week.

Miami at Arizona (-4.5)
Is Arizona good enough to win the NFC West?
Maybe a better way of saying it is are they "not bad enough"? You can't make enough jokes about the sad state of the NFC West, but let me just say that of the many reasons I'm glad to be living back in Minnesota, one of them is definitely that I don't have to watch the Seahawks every Sunday. Good gracious.

San Francisco at Seattle (-3)
Which would you rather watch: this game or Chiefs/Raiders?
Kind of like having to choose between gouging your eye out with a stick or jamming a pen into your ear. Jer would probably take option c) which is always death by killer bees.

Pittsburgh (-6.5) at Cleveland
There's no way Cleveland can win this game, right? RIGHT?
If the Steelers lose this game, then I officially give up. The Browns looked lost on offense last week, while Pittsburgh absolutely steamrolled a better-than-you-think Texans club. This looks to be the only slam dunk of the week, which in this season, probably means it won't be.

MONDAY NIGHTERS
Not that there's ever anything good about a hurricane, but if there were, it would be that we get two Monday nighter's this week on two different channels because of it.

Baltimore (+3.5) at Houston
Is this the most obvious pick of the week?
Vegas might not have much confidence in the Ravens, but I certainly do. Still, a ton of factors and questions at work here, not the least of which is the Texans playing for their fanbase which had to endure a hurricane. Don't ever underestimate that one.

Philly (-3) at Dallas
When was the last time the Monday night game was actually the best game of the week?
Seriously, this is the first time in I don't know when. You want questions? Are the Eagles for real? Could Donovan McNabb throw for 300 yards with five Cowboy fans lining up for him at receiver? Did I overpay for DeSean Jackson in my auction league waiver wire this week? Do I care because it was worth it to get him? Are the Cowboys really the NFL's best team? Is there a more annoying celebrity than Jessica Simpson? Well other than Tom Cruise? Or Avril Lavigne? How angry is Terrell Owens that Chad Johnson is a worse receiver yet getting more attention? When does he change his name to Terrell "I Need Me Some Me"? Could it not happen soon enough?

Answers to these questions and more this weekend.