An Evil Petting Zoo?

Poor Kobe Bryant. He’s not only threatening to become the best player since Michael Jordan, he’s also threatening A-Rod and Barry Bonds for the crown of America’s Most Hated Athlete.

Thanks to MJ, we'll never be able to fully appreciate Kobe's brilliance. Well, ok that and the fact he forced himself on a 19 year old as a married man...and tried to force a trade at the beginning of this eason and then magically backed off when Pau Gasol fell out of the sky...and forced Shaq out of town on a rail…and forced roughly 97 shots in his first all-star game...

Ok so I guess Kobe has contributed plenty to ruin his own reputation, by trying to force himself to be someone he’s not. Newsflash: Kobe is NOT Michael Jordan. While I think basketball fans worldwide have grasped this concept, it’s about time Kobe did too. This is not a knock on Bryant, who during these playoffs has clearly established himself as the best player on the planet (yes I am aware Lebron James is alive and well. I’m also aware that wherever he is right now, Bronbron’s working a lot harder to become The Global Icon than he is on a mid range jumper or any semblance of post moves), it’s just that we can tell Kobe’s trying a little too hard off the court to please us. And he needs to stop.

Look, on the court, if you can just forget about all the off-court stuff, he has been A-MAZE-ING to watch during these playoffs. Did he deserve the regular season MVP? No. Still should have been Chris Paul. Will he be the Finals MVP in June of 2024 when this series finally ends (we’re assuming it’ll have started by then. Not sure though. Let’s take more time to start the series and in between games. Brilliant)? No doubt. Dare I say it, but he’s taking over playoff games in similar fashion as a certain #23 did for the Bulls in his prime. His performance has been bigger than the 31.9 pts, 6.1 boards and 5.8 assists he’s been averaging this spring; it’s the WAY he’s been doing all of this. Deferring to his teammates early, trusting them enough to make plays, and then taking over down the stretch. The game 5 victory summed up what Kobe’s become: 17 of his 39 points in the fourth quarter as he brought the Lakers back from 17 down in the second half to take the series. And honestly, when the Spurs had the big lead early in the third, didn’t you just KNOW the Lakers were coming back, and Kobe was going to be the one leading them? And unlike Bronbron, he’s not trying to the rim 1-on-5 or firing up ridiculous fade-away 3’s. Because Kobe has actually worked his ass off on his midrange jumper, he can hit those all night, forcing the defense to play him honestly, which gives him the opportunity to get to the rim uncontested over and over.

And I don’t see this changing against the Celtics. Boston has nobody that guard him 1-on-1, and they can’t employ the “All Hands on Deck!” strategy to swarm him when he drives, because he’ll either a) hit the 12 footer or b) his teammates will kill them. I don’t care how good Boston’s D is because the Lakers with a healthy Pau Gasol have been flat unstoppable (and just wait until they get Andrew Bynum back next season. Dynasty anyone?). I’ll take the Lakers in 6, but could see it over in 5 pretty easily.

ANYWHO, back to Kobe. On the court he’s been other-worldly: Cool, calm and collected, an absolute assassin. Nothing forced, nothing contrived. Off the court? Um yeah he’s the complete opposite. He fake-laughs at jokes, tries to play nice with the media, and act like a fun-loving guy. Except he’s not, and he never will be. He could win 10 titles (and again, if Bynum comes back anywhere close to 100% next year, it’s really not out of the question) and he’ll still never EVER be considered as good as Jordan because of how Kobe’s handled himself.

See this is the most underrated part of the Greatness of Michael Jordan: it’s not just how well he played on the court, but how well he handled himself off the court. His public persona was ALWAYS classy, confident and in control. He had charm, personality and charisma that you just can’t teach, but the brilliance of Jordan, and those in his inner circle, was that he made sure this is the only Jordan you ever knew.

A friend of a friend told a story at my buddy Sheldon’s wedding (not during the wedding mind you. Sometime during that weekend. Sitting around a lake and drinking Kokanee was involved) about seeing MJ in a restaurant he worked at. Jordan and his crew sat in the back, and Mike spoke, how do I say this…”Eubonics” (ok that’s the whitest thing I’ve ever written, but I can’t think of how else to say it). Jordan spoke like he was from the hood, talking smack and sounding as black as any rapper on MTV. The Sports Guy has told a couple of stories like this where you don’t see the “Corporate MJ” but instead the “Black MJ” which is probably more who he really is. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this, it’s just that in his playing days, he never let the media and public see this part of him. And it’s not like this part of him wasn’t there. Not only that, he was also so bloody competitive in his playing days that he was as bad a teammate or worse as Kobe has ever been (if you’re interested, read a book by Chicago Tribune columnist Sam Smith called The Jordan Rules. It’s an incredible behind-the-scenes look where you see how much of an a-hole Jordan could be. The guy hated to lose so much that he refused to workout with his teammates because Horace Grant could lift more than he could.)

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is Jordan was, or at least could be, just as much as an arrogant a-hole as Kobe is, but he was just much, much better at hiding it. Jordan’s big mistake, his gambling problems, were also a lot more forgiveable than what Kobe did (if you’re scoring at home, and you become famous and screw up, make sure your problems are either alcohol or gambling related. People will forgive you for that. Just ask Brett Favre. But getting on a 19 year old when you’re supposed to be rehabbing your knee, or jumping into a hot tub with high school girls- I’m talking to YOU Mark Chmura!- yeah people will not be so willing to forgive you for that one. Like ever. Good luck living that down. Oh and don’t do steroids and then lie about it. Also a bad one), although I think Kobe’s potential to supplant MJ was over even before his fated rehab in Colorado, because he was always trying way too hard to be MJ. His first all-star game when he shot 12 million times ticked off more than just the players- it ticked off the fans too, and they’ve generally been against him ever since.

And again, this is not to say Kobe’s as good a player as Jordan- he’s not. I’d take Jordan in his prime 100% of the time over Kobe. But I’m saying that even if Kobe continues the dominance he’s shown this spring for the next five or six years and goes onto shatter all the career scoring records, he’ll still never be considered the greatest player ever because people just don’t like him.

Personally, I think he needs to stop forcing the “nice-guy” routine and just embrace his inner A-Hole. I don’t watch fake-wrestling, but I understand there’s good guys and bad guys, and that Hulk Hogan once switched to the bad guys and wore all black and tried to become the villain. Kobe needs to do the same thing. I mean, if people hate him already, what does he have to lose? Why not go all-out with the Dr. Evil/Cobra Commander/Darth Vader thing? Always wear black and refer to himself in the third person. Constantly tell us how great he is and how much everybody else sucks. Club baby seals, clear cut forests, don’t recycle, say he hates white people, have sharks with fricken lasers on their heads. Do whatever will really upset the masses, then go out on the court and continue to destroy people.

If he’s destined to be the guy people hate to love he might as well put his efforts into being the guy we love to hate. So put away the Come Fly With Me videos and start watching Dr. Evil, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, and Hillary Clinton, and work to be The Villain we know he can be.

It’s fricken freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth!