An Open Letter to All Boston Sports Fans

Dear Boston,

We get it: You used to have it rough. You've been through a lot of pain and agony over the years with the Sox, Celtics and Pats. Trust me, we all get it. But you know what? Believe it or not...wait you should put down your celebratory champagne and take a seat for a minute...Ok seriously pay attention here. This is going to come as a shock to you but there's two things you really need to know.

The first is that there are actually other cities and teams and fan bases out there besides you and New York. No really, there are. What's more, the rest of us are really sick and tired of this whole "rivalry" you guys have going with them. Really, rivalries are great for the people involved, but not so much for the rest of us. See what you have is called an Inferiority Complex. I should know, because I'm from Vancouver and we have one about Toronto. We hate them because they and their fans and their media (they fancy themselve the "national media" even though it revoles soley around Toronto sports) not only care only about their teams, but they think the rest of the country does too (newsflash to Toronto: the Jays are not "Canada's Team." Neither are the Raptors. There's actually no such thing as "Canada's Professional Sports Team". I looked it up. Turns out the only teams that should carry the title of "Canada's Team" are ones that compete in international events. I'm not going to tell the rest of Canada who to cheer for, but please don't tell me I should cheer for the Blue Jays or Raptors because they're based in Canada. Thanks but I'd rather not cheer for a team that's 3,000 miles away who thinks the rest of the country is just one big extension of Ontario. Thanks but no thanks).

See how much venom and angst and bitterness is in those statements? It's how you feel about New York, right? See I DO understand. But like everybody outside of Canada who would ever read this, nobody cares about our hatred of Toronto, just like nobody outside of New York and Boston cares about your hatred of New York. So please, keep it to yourselves.

The other thing I wanted to tell you is that not only are there other places besides Boston and New York with sports, but that most, if not all, of these places and fans have had it worse than you (well not counting the pro sports fans in Atlanta, LA, and Miami. If you took their teams away tomorrow they wouldn't even notice). Yes there's actually places where they haven't won the three major professional sports titles in the last two years, and six in the last eight. Believe it or not there are fans who would take 81 years with no World Series title to now have the best run team in baseball and an unlimited budget. Or the best football team of the past decade. Spygate? Losing to the Giants to ruin a 19-0 season? Must be so rough! Or getting to watch Kevin Garnett win a title in his first season there instead of watching him work his ass off year after year for nothing while your GM hunts and fishes and plays golf and on the two or three weeks a year he decides to work, he makes bad draft choices, trades and/or free agent signings. Really, I'm sure those 18 years between your 16th and 17th NBA Titles were difficult, but here's hoping you guys will recover.

Come to think of it, you guys have actually won another award! That's right, you know how you hate New York fans because you think they're pompus and arrogant and act like they own the sports world? Well guess what- that's now you! You have taken the mantle from New York as the most hated sports city in America, and perhaps the world. Congratulations, there's yet another title you can add to your already bloated trophy case.

So on behalf of the rest of the planet, your rights to whine and complain in public about the "misfortunes" of your teams have hereby been officially revoked for the next two centuries. Hell let's make it three. Not one more $&%*ing word about Spygate or Rick Pitino or Tim Duncan or Bill Buckner or the Bambino. You have now won three championships in the past two years in the three professional sports that really matter, and have won six titles this century. You're rabid, you're passionate, and you love your teams, your players, and your city. Well congratulations and enjoy it because you've earned it.

Now shut the hell up.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

The sports fans of every other city (except for those in Atlanta, LA, Miami, New York, and Toronto- we've had enough of you too)