Jeremy: An Open Letter to Jeff

Jeffrey,
First, I want to apologize to you. In an earlier post you commented that you sometimes feel like I think of you as less of a fan because you had to choose which teams to cheer for. I love you, man. I definitely don't think of you as less of a fan. You know me, I get like this when things are especially hurtful in my sporting world. I become resentful of teams like the Lakers, Michigan football and the Yankees because they always win and I feel like their fans have it easy. I begin to hate places like the New England area for having two championships in one calendar year and ending an 86 year championship draught in baseball. I start to feel like we here in Minnesota are the last truly tortured and loyal fans on earth. I know this isn't true, but it makes me feel better, much like a pint of rocky road made me feel better when that bastard Bruce broke my heart (did I just reveal that?). In any case, YOU'RE MY BOY, BLUE.
Moving on, I need to rant about some sporting type stuff...
The Wolves are horrible. What the heck is going on? Garnett scores a franchise record 47 points and adds 22 rebounds against the best team in the West right now, and they somehow manage to give up 121 points... in regulation? Are you kidding me? It's possible that their defense right now is worse than the Vikings. They play the expansion Bobcats tonight in Charlotte and I have ZERO confidence that they can win.
Speaking of the Vikings defense... Green Bay for the third time this season in the first round of the playoffs this Sunday. I know it's very hard in the NFL to beat the same team three times... but then again, we ARE talking about the Vikings here. I give them a small shot because they are playing in Green Bay, which is just about the only outdoor place where they play halfway decent. This team has no heart, Jeff. I heard that the game-time temperature is expected to be 25 degrees. A little quick math tells me that's roughly 47 degrees cooler than they prefer to play in. Vegas is favoring the Pack by about 6 points right now. I fully expect that number to go down as the week goes on because anybody who is betting on the Vikings to cover that 6 points has DEFINITELY been out in the cold way too long.
Did you see that my Gophs won the Music City Bowl? Yeah, it was probably the sloppiest football game I've ever watched. So many penalties at absolutely horrible times, plus, I've never seen a quarterback overthrow so many wide-open receivers as Pennington did for Alabama. The Goophies have a shot to be better next year. They basically get their entire set of skill-position players back, but with Mason still coaching this team, I have my doubts. I'm calling it right now, here's my time-line for Gopher-football next year. Mid-August: I will once again get excited for Gopher football. September: Gophers yet again breeze through the non-conference schedule as Mason sings the praises of his team and himself. Early October: excitement will ensue as the Gophers have a great early season, the running game still looks solid, and Cupito looks like he's matured. Early November: I will be disappointed that the Gophers can't carry their winning ways into the Big 10 season (I will make no public predictions regarding Michigan or the game following Michigan). Late November: I will be calling for Mason's head after the Gophers manage to lose their final two games to Wisconsin and Iowa. Maturi will call me for advice After a long discussion, in which the phrase "better late than never" is uttered by me no less than 12 times, Maturi will respond by canning Mason. Late December: coached on an interim basis by Bozo the Clown, who is actually able to put together a gameplan that utilizes the talent on the team, the Gophers rout Coppin State in the Motor City Bowl. (Here comes the wishful thinking.) Early January: USC wins yet another National Championship, offensive coordinator Norm Chow decides he's ready to be a head coach, and leaves the warm Southern California climate for the frozen tundra of Minneapolis.
By the way, as long as you've known me have I ever been THIS jaded as a Minnesota sports fan as I have been in the last two months? In the last week I have said that I had no confidence that the Vikes could win in D.C. (they didn't), now I'm saying I don't think the Wolves can beat anybody. Seven weeks prior to this I was sitting in a lower-deck endzone section of the Metrodome next to Porta as the Gophers collapsed against Iowa and the only reason it didn't break my heart was because I absolutely knew it was coming. DO YOU SEE WHAT THESE TEAMS HAVE DONE TO ME??????????
With Love & Admiration,
Jeremy
p.s. The road to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility, Jeff, not LSD and sideburns.