Jeremy: Stupid, Rich, Athletes

Tell ya what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you $380,000 a year. To get this money you only have to do a few simple things.
First, you need to play a game that you've been playing since you were a child. Of course, you need to work hard, you need to keep yourself in shape to play the game, and you need, to some degree, to excel at the game. Yes, you need to work hard, but still... you're getting paid to play a game. Here's the great part: if you do well, show some improvement, maintain a hard work attitude and get along with those around you, in a couple of years, I'm going to give you even more money. And I'm not talking about any 4% cost-of-living raise here. I'm talking about multiple millions of dollars.
But there is a catch. Just one catch really. You see, I know you've had some problems in the past. But I don't see those problems. What I see is your potential. So I'm willing to look past the rough spots. But, as I'm sure you understand, I need to protect myself.
Yes, you've had this tiny little problem with marijuana in the past. I know you like to hit the peace pipe a little bit, and I know you've spent some time already on the bench because of it. Listen, I know you kids and your drugs. You just like to unwind, kick back with your boys and relax once in awhile. And that's okay. But listen! I'm going to pay you $380,000 a year to play a game, and I'm going to need you to go ahead and not touch marijuana, okay?
But how about this? How about if we don't just think of it as $380,000 a year to play a game, but we think of it as $380,000 a year to play a game and not touch the geef? How's that sound? You play a game, don't smoke the wackey-tobaccy, and I'll give you $380,000 a year. Just to be fair, I am going to make sure that you are given some drug tests, randomly, ten times throughout the year. But you already know they are coming, so that should be no problem, right?
Did I also mention that your status as a player of this game will get you countless other opportunities and freebies? My goodness, I'm sorry. Didn't I mention that?
Well, you can probably expect to get a free car from someone, just for spending 30 seconds in front of a camera. And when you take that car to the custom wheel shop, you'll most likely get those for free too. When you're done at the wheel shop, head on down to the most expensive steak-house in town. What? Forgot your wallet? Oh, don't worry about that. They'll probably comp your dinner, and most of your friends too.
Again, you are going to get all of this stuff, plus you are going to get to play your favorite game, and I'm going to pay you $380,000 a year to do it. Just don't smoke pot.
Do you think you can do that? Do you think you can not touch drugs? Do you think that $380,000 a year is enough to keep you away from it? Do you?
Or are you too much of an idiot to realize that you've been handed the world on a silver fricking platter because you are good at a game?
Anyways, Onterrio, get back to me and let me know if you think this will work out for you. Because if it won't, I'm sure we can find someone else with less talent, who will never be as good as you, who will never make the kind of money that you have the potential to make, but who can at least keep their nose clean.