Jeff: The NFC Norris

Everybody else is doing their division-by-division NFL preview, so MWSR might as well do one too. We'll start with the NFC, and if I had one word to sum it up it would be "gong show" (ok maybe that's two but still). The first NFL game I really remember watching was the '85 Super Bowl where the Bears beat New England 1,944-0. That was just the beginning of NFC dominance that would last for more than a decade, when Horseface-I MEAN John Elway and the Broncos (thanks mostly to Terrell Davis-who's still not a Hall of Famer but was the key to those teams) put up back-to-back Super Bowls and finally brought some balance back to the league. Now it's completely reversed. The NFC is terrible. If the NFL, like so many wanted to do back in the NFC's heyday, took the top 12 teams regardless of conference, the NFC would get 3, maybe 4 teams and that's it. It's that bad.

NFC NORTH:

4. Green Bay Packers (6-7 wins)
Yeah, that does feel good to type. I can only imagine what it'll feel like if/when this actually happens. Look Pack fans, put down the curds and the Ol' Mil, and listen carefully. This end is near. The days of the '70's and '80's, when most of you wouldn't have gone to Lambeau if the stadium were made of cheese and brats, are coming again soon. All the signs are there. If this team had anybody else but Brett Favre at QB, everybody else would be saying the same thing. Instead, like you, they're clinging to false hope. But hey, at least you've still got the Brewers...um or how about the Bucks? Andrew Bogut doesn't get you fired up? Well hey Bo Ryan and Badgers hoops is right around the corner. Nothing like seeing if either team can score 30... You know what? On second thought, forget I said any of this. The Pack are all you have, so why should I take it away from you? Throw on a cheese head, throw down your pants at the opposing team's bus, and wear that Favre jersey proud. Just keep the suicide hotline number handy.
OFFENSE:
Don't worry about the Javon Walker holdout-and for once I'm not being sarcastic. Cheeseheads' were so excited to get their first bonafide #1 wideout since Sterling Sharpe, that they forgot about the 15 years in between (well except for '96 when apparently something amazing happened. Not that they mention it much-or like every day or with every breath or every polish that they eat). Since Favre has been under center, he's had a different leading receiver almost every season. Is Green BAy better with Walker? Absolutely, but they'll be fine without him too. The real concern is on the offensive line. Favre and the power running game steals all the headlines, but the Pack have had one of the best O-lines in football the last decade. Now they lose 2 Pro-Bowl caliber guards and have little to replace them with. If the new guards can block as well as Favre has thrown interceptions or Ahman Green gets arrested or Najeh poops in ex-girlfriends' closets, well then the offense will be just fine...
DEFENSE
...but it won't matter because the defense is awful. Watching that new Pauly Shore show would probably be less painful. The Pack went with the Chiefs philosophy from the last couple of years: take a terrible defense and change nothing but the co-ordinator. KC had one of the worst D's in football in 2003, and replaced only the co-ordinator for last year. The result? Another horrible year. The Pack actually have done them one better this year by subtracting from their D. Look for more of the same non-results.

3. Chicago Bears (8-9 wins)
It has not been fun for Chicago sports fan these last few years. Since MJ hung 'em up in 98 (assuming you want to remember him going out on top, rather than that whole debacle in DC), things have not gone well in the Windy City. The Bulls have made the playoffs once since beating Utah in the finals, the Cubbies have continued to provide plenty of heartache and heartbreak, the Blackhawks management was locking the team out of contention long before the real lockout happened, and how would you like it if the two college football teams in your state were Illinois and Northwestern? And I dont' buy for a minute that the White Sox winning is doing anything for that town. If you used the WNBA question, and asked the people of Chicago "would you rather find a $5 bill on the street or have the Sox win the World Series?" Hawk Harrelson and that other jackass that does the WGN games with him would be the only people who wouldn't take the $5. Put it this way, the only way the Sox will sell out playoff games is if bitter Cubs fans come down to boo.
OFFENSE:
To say Rex Grossman's health is the key for the Bears is like saying Lake Michigan has a lot of water. When Grossman's season ended against the Vikes last year, so did Chicago's. They went through more quarterbacks last year than Tara Reid (which holiday is better for Tara? Christmas or the ESPY's?). For anybody else, having Jeff George as your starting QB in the year 2005, or really any year, would be a sign that you need some help. So what'd the Bears do to shore up the position this offseason? Nothing. If Grossman goes down, you're looking at Chad Hutchinson or Kyle Orton. Yeah maybe Bears' fans should keep that suicide hotline # handy too. Just in case. IF Rex-in-affex can stay healthy, the O should be in good shape. Mushin Muhammed won't be as good as he was in Carolina, but he's still much better than anybody they had last year. Benson will run until his legs fall off, and with a pretty good line in front of him, all that running could be for positive yards.
DEFENSE:
Brian Urlacher's health is an issue here too, but now that he has some D-tackles to block up the line, he should be back to his Pro Bowl self. DOn't be surprised though if DT Tommie Harris is the best player on the team by the end of the year. Hopefully he'll stay away from the ridiculous RightGuard commercials though-and Paris Hilton. Not quite the MOnsters of the Midway, but this unit will be improved.

2. Detroit Lions (10-11 wins)
You know it's football season when the De-twah Leones are talking about "Restoring the Roar" the annual tradition for Lions fans since 1957 when they really think "this is our year!!!" (Cubs fans call this spring training). For a time I thought I'd be telling my grandkids about "Restoaring the Roar" and how De-twah would be no closer to be good then than they are now (of course all of that would hinge on me finding somebody crazy enough to marry me AND have my kids). But really, this might actually be it, even with Joey Harrington still on the roster (Leones fans, at least this is the last year you'll have to say that). This team will be the San Diego Super Chargers of 2005- and they've already got the powder blues-sorry "honolulu" blue jerseys.
OFFENSE
The Joey Harrington stuff is getting out of hand. Look, Harrington's success or, much more likely, his failure as a QB will not hinder the Lions progress this year. He either has a Drew Brees-esque breakout year (and hell freezes over) or he's terrible and Jeff Garcia steps in and runs the show. Neither of these options probably sound great, but with all the weapons they have they're going to be dangerous (a statement that's usually reserved for De-twah fans instead of the football team) no matter who's under center. Chuck Rogers' paper-mache collerbone is the real key here. He WAS better than both Williams' boys coming out of college, and can still be the best of the three. The chances of him breaking the collarbone again are about as good as Harrington going to the Pro Bowl. Of course they said that about Brees last year...
DEFENSE
Forget Rogers' injuries or Harrington or anything else- Boss Bailey's health is the most important question for the Lions heading into the season. With him he solidifies a pretty good defense. Without him, the Motor City Kitties will be scrambling to put 3 decent linebackers on the field. How they didn't spend their 1st round pick on D is beyond me though, as this unit is pretty good, but could be deeper. Still, if the O can click, the D will stick.

1. Minnesota Vikings (10-12 wins)
That sizzling sound you hear is Mike Tice and Daunte Culpepper feeling a little toasty now that the microscope's focused on them instead of Randy Moss. The team, including those two gents, wanted Randy gone. He was a headcase and a full-scale circus clown, but the man not only took all the pressure and media scrutiny for the team but he handled it and took it in stride--that is, when he felt like running. But with Randy no longer around to just be Randy, ALL the focus is going squarely on Tice, and also to Daunte. The defense is much improved, there's a lot of talent coming back, but now we'll find out if the Vikes' success the past few seasons had more to do with Randy or Daunte.
OFFENSE
I've been defending Daunte since day 1, and considering that Minnesotan's favorite pasttimes are fishing, boating and ripping on Daunte, well I'm getting pretty worn out. This is the year #11 has to prove to me and everybody else that this IS his team and he IS the man and he can lead the Vikes to the Super Bowl. If he can't, he no longer has Randy to blame. I must be one of the few people who aren't worried about the running game. Yes, it'd be nice to see Michael Bennett be the workhorse back, but I have a feeling we'll be seeing some combination of Mewelde Moore, Ciatrick Faison and Moe Williams by the end of the year. And I think it'll work just fine as it has in the past. Matt Birk's health (or complete lack of it) is a much bigger issue for me, as he's the most important guy on the line, and maybe on the offense. Without him, people start playing out of position, and I don't see that working out any better than it did last year. The receivers will continue to catch as long as Daunte has time to throw, but how long will it take for the Purple to regret not taking Mike Williams? I'd say the first pre-season game.
DEFENSE
So apparently, it's possible to hold a team to 3 downs, and then they bring in this "punter" and they give the ball back to you. No really, I think it's called a "3-and-out". Vikings' fans have seen plenty of these with the Purple's offense on the field, but the D? People might actually stay to watch the defense instead of heading to the fridge saying "call me when they're done kicking the extra point". Pat Williams was just as important a signing as Freddy Smoot. The bigger Williams will give other Williams plenty of room to maneuver, as well as the ends, and linebackers and...well you get the idea. And who ever thought the Vikings would have the best corners in football? Dennis Green must be rolling over in his grave-what? He's still alive? Arizona? Whoops, that's awkward.