Jeff: NBA Preview: Out West

I'm going to attempt to make this shorter than last year's. Of course I said that last year, and if you attempted to read it, well you know how that went.

LOTTERY LOCKS:
15. New Orleans/Oklahoma City/Baton Rouge/Timbuktoo Hornets: They'll play most of their home games in Oklahoma City. Good thing the Okies or Sooners aren't on the schedule. I know there's a reason this team hasn't been contracted yet, but I'm forgetting. Please, Don Stern, do this before it's too late to save Chris Paul (who will be the best player from the '05 draft for the first 3 seasons) and JR Smith.

14. Portland JailBlazers: You know the end of the world is upon us when Joel Prysbilla is considered a quality NBA center. Yes THAT Joel Prysbilla. Yes the Vanilla Gorilla. Gopher fans, you may now collectively stare at the floor, shake your head, and mutter extremities under your breath. Trust me, it helps.

13. LA Clippers: What do the Clips, Arizona Cardinals, and Alex Rodriguez all have in common? None of them will ever win a championship. (As a Mariners fan, that feels great to say out loud. Honestly, as long as the Yankees have ARod -which is hopefully forever- they can put an all-star at every position and still not win the Series. Oh wait, they've already done that! And see? No title. Beautiful)

12. LA Lakers: I know, I know, I know, they have Kobe AND Phil. They also have a disgruntled Lamar Odom and absolutely nothing else...unless you're counting on Kwame Brown, Chris Mihm, or Andrew Bynum to be a factor in the post? And did I mention Speedy Claxton's their point guard? See, I knew you'd come around. Also, Phil hasn't really "coached" a team since his first title run with MJ, and even if he started now it wouldn't matter.

PLAYOFF CONTENDERS:
6 teams; 3 playoff spots. You'd have as much luck throwing darts at them to figure out who's finishing where. I have no idea, but then again you already knew that.

11. Utah Jazz: They'll make the Sox/Astros series look entertaining by comparison. Speaking of which, with all sincerity, congratulations to the Chicago White Sox and their 12 real, die-hard fans. There are many baseball fans, like myself, who may never get to experience what you folks are feeling. With that said, can we stop pretending this win was as good for the city of Chicago as it would have been for the Cubs to win it? Please. If the Cubbies ever win a World Series, that city would be in absolute and total chaos. They wouldn't be able to hold the parade down Michigan Avenue for weeks because of the looting, rioting, partying, and group sex that would make even the Minnesota Vikings uncomfortable. Drunk college kids would be parading Harry Caray's corpse around town shouting "Cubs Win!" "Holy Cow!" and "It's a simple question! A baby could answer it!" like it was a Weekend at Bernie's movie. The Sox win over Houston may make them the #1 team in baseball this season, but it doesn't change the fact they'll always be a distant second in the Windy City.

10. Seattle Sonics: I compare this team to the Chicago Bears of a few years back. You know, the one that came out of nowhere to win 12 games? EVERYTHING went right for them. Well that was the Sonics last year. Like that Bears team, the Supes come back to earth. Getting rid of starting center Jerome James was a good idea. Letting coach Nate McMillan and top assistant Dwayne Casey walk? Not so much.

9. Phoenix Suns: Ok so let met get this straight: last season, this team's entire offense predicated on running the fast break, and Nash driving and dishing to either Amare or a wide-open guy for 3. And they played no defense whatsoever. This season, Amare's out for at least 3 months, and their two best 3-point shooters are gone. Oh, and they still can't play defense. Only my undying love- I mean respect- for fellow Canadian Steve Nash has them ranked this high.

8. Minnesota Timberwolves: You know those Adidas commercials of KG running on the beach in a Muhammed Ali sweatshirt? That's not a marketing gimmick. I think Adidas couldn't find him all summer, and somebody stumbled across him running 19 miles a day on the beach, and they just filmed it. Too bad they didn't show his training where he alternates Wally Scerbiak and Rick Rickert punching bags. Garnett will have his best season as a pro, carry this team on his back, and be the first guy to win MVP on an 8 seed. It's also probably his last year in a Wolves uniform, so enjoy it while you can.

7. Memphis Grizzlies: No allstars but good depth, and guys who know how to win. Plus Pau Gasol has a sweet Grizzly-Adams beard. Apparently he's trying to shed the "soft" label. Um, Pau? You're European. You'll always be soft. The beard won't change that. Also, can you put an "l" at the end of your first name please? That's always bothered me.

6. Golden State Warriors: Their season hinges on the hinges, screws, plates, and whatever else is holding Baron Davis together. IF Baron can stay healthy for an entire season the Warriors take the reigns from Phoenix as the most exciting team in the league to watch, and the scariest opponent for anyone to play. However, considering I don't believe Davis has had an injury-free season at any level, this is probably just wishful thinking.

IT'S NOT A MATTER OF IF YOU'LL LOSE TO THE SPURS, BUT WHEN:

5. Dallas Mavericks: As much fun as the Nash/Mike Finley/Dirk Nowitzki trio was to watch, they were not going to win a championship for Dallas. Through free agency and the amnesty clause, the Mavs are 2/3rds finished with their housecleaning. Mark Cuban needs to deal the Diggler now for as much as he can get, and build around someone else because the Dirk will not lead a team to the title. I had high hopes for him that maybe, just maybe, he'd be the first European to step-up when it mattered. Of course that was right before chewing out Jason Terry at the end of game 5 and then missing all 5 of his shots in OT. Maybe if he didn't shave his head every year things would be different, but I doubt it.

4. Houston Rockets: Probably the 2nd best team in the West with the addition of a real power forward and point guard, but because of the divisional format they'll have to settle for a 4 seed. But at least they'll host, giving T-Mac his best opportunity yet to break his 1st round playoff drought. And imagine if he plays all year like he did in the first round against Dallas last year? Yao Ming has had an entire summer off to rest up for the first time since the Great Wall of China was built. And you know what? He'll still never be an elite player. Never.

3. Sacramento Kings: Remember when this was the toughest division in decades? Now the Kings have half the team they used to, and yet they'll still get a home series. Bibby will be Bibby, and Brad Miller will continue to be the Esa Tikannen of the NBA (for non-hockey fans that's the guy every team hates with all-star skills). There's a reason Bonzi Wells is on his 3rd team in four years, and he'll have his annual meltdown before season's end.

2. Denver Nuggets: Nobody's happier about the division realignment than, as my friend Joel likes to call them, the "Nugents." Everyone, including myself, predicted this ascention last season, but this really should be the year. If they grab a clue by the trade deadline and deal Nene for a legitimate 2-guard, they could really challenge the Spurs. Melo was a new man under George Karl, and as we saw last year, as he goes, so go the Nuge. I still worry though that's he got too much Glenn Robinson in him. Extra points to Denver for the powder blues, being fun to watch, and, of course, for Earl Boykins.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR WESTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS:

1. San Antonio Spurs: The only people who would whine that Tony Parker, who has been the point guard on two Spurs Title teams, shatters the mold of "soft Europeans" would be Europeans themselves. So just in case there's any that are taking a break from hating Americans or watching soccer to read this, let me make this point: Derek Fischer and BJ Armstrong were also starting point guards on multiple title winners. When they eventually left for new teams, they were exposed for the below-average players that they were. If Parker's smart, which considering he's dating Eva Longoria I'd say he is, he will do whatever it takes to stay in a Spurs uniform as long as Tim Duncan does. Granted the PG play in the league has never been worse, but I'm baffled as to how Parker was able to drive through the lane at will last year. The only thing I can figure is that out of respect and awe, the rest of the league won't guard him as long as he's dating Eva.