Jeff: Queries...

ALl these great sports going on, and all I can think about is the NBA. As a matter of fact, I have a few questions I need answered. And since I'm the only NBA fan I know, I guess I'll have to answer them myself...

Q: The NBA knows Shaq is no longer a Laker, right?
A: Just checking, because TNT has already aired a Lakers' PRESEASON game, and will air the first 2 Laker regular season games. Apparently I'm the only person not excited about watching Kobe hoist 40-50 shots a game as the Lakers go down in flames and miss the playoffs. It will be fun to watch Vlade chain-smoking Marlboro Reds with Jack Nickelson during games though. How long until Lamar Odom starts smoking some, um, "stuff" of his own openly when Kobe refuses to pass to anybody? SPeaking of Odom...

Q: What was a bigger shock from last season: the fact Chippendale's hasn't yet hired TheDan, or that Lamar Odom spent an entire season in Miami without getting arrested once?!?!
A: Chippendale's has no excuse, I mean, come on, theDan is already getting paid to shake his goods on the dance floor. But I still have to go with Odom. When he was a Clipper the man made Cheech and Chong look like the Smothers' Brothers. He was rolling and smoking everything in site!! LA saw a 30% reduction in smog just because Odom got traded out of town!! And not just any town--Miami has to be the naughty co-capital of the US (along with Vegas, of course). I think a better question is, where did Pat Riley and Stan "Ron Jeremy" Van Gundy keep him when he wasn't playing? They must have been keeping him in a bubble or his own little "hot" box where he couldn't get in trouble. Simply amazing. A truly underrated story from last season. And how has Odom not been a Blazer yet? Is there a more perfect match? I can't think of one.

Q: Can President Bush conduct a military draft that would include only NBA players? (And A-Rod?)
A: I see no other way to get rid of people like Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, and Vince Carter. Francis said this week he wants to "play for his country" in the 2008 Olympics. We tell guys like him they'll get to "play" alright. Ship them overseas, drop them in the middle of Karbala and whatever happens, happens. Put them on a plane, and drop them in. I can see it now...
Steve: What's the helmet for? And the cammos?
Sgt: Um, that's for your protection on the court, Steve. We wanted to go with a more "authentic" uniform for these Olympics.
Steve: wait why does everybody else have a gun? Why don't I? Why....heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....

Q: Why is Wally Sczerbiak still a Timberwolf?
A: I have no idea. The Big Ugly Sweater (aka Kevin McHale) has been resting on his laurels after a trip to the conference finals. Um, kev? You realize all of that was done without Wally, right? That Wally coming off the bench will cause him to whine and complain and kill any semblance of team chemistry you worked so hard to build last year? Apparently, Wally does have some trade value out there. I guess none of the other teams have seen Wally's playoff performances: you know, when he can't dribble, pass, defend, rebound or really do ANYTHING without turning the ball over. Oh but he can sure hit a jumpshot if he's WIDE FREAKIN OPEN!!!! And we get all of this for just $50 million. What a deal. If Zach Randolf can keep himself out of jail (Vegas is giving 3:1 odds) the Pups should be able to trade World to the Blazers for Shareef soon. I hope.